Awake

by MB


I woke up to my body today. 

It started with confrontation - a discussion about restriction - of food and libido, of hunger and needs. With my ideas that these desires must be limited somehow. That atonement tomorrow will absolve me of the un-endable cravings that seek to overwhelm me today.

I can eat that, but only at the expense of the meal that follows. Compensation.

I can allow arousal and this desire for pure bodily (sexual), human(?) pleasure to reside within me, but in exchange for dutiful and rigid abstinence.

I woke up to my personhood. To being someone whose body craves sustenance and pleasure and constant nourishment and even sometimes overwhelming quantities of such shameful and bodily cravings. 

I woke up hungry for sex and food at once. For someone to touch me and hold me and fuck me and tell me it is ok, that I am ok, that I am nothing more than myself and so much less than too much.

I woke up ravenous for friendship and connection, for those people who inhabit my life, who make me the person I am, the person who wants and needs and deserves - yes, deserves - to crave such things.

After nearly 15 years of drowning her out, I heard her today. Briefly. But after only one year of being told she does not - no cannot - exist within me, I found her this morning, next to me. Within me.