10 Things about ED

by MB

5 Distressing Things About ED

  1. Spend inordinate amount of time thinking about body image, weight, etc. - Feels like my whole life - dictates my whole day.
  2. Never been able to get over it - Constant judgement - brings back to 14 or 16 years old - still using same coping mechanisms.
  3. Everything is tied to weight and body image - can ruin a day - or make it - over-emphasis.
  4. Know it doesn't work but do it anyways. Understand more about self and motivation/behaviors intellectually, but continue to do it.
  5. Comes before most other relationships, cancel plans or isolate, keeps other away --> comes first --> it's what I make time for.
  6. Polarizing...living a double life...tired...not present.
  7. Don't feel relaxed - Always very anxious

Nearly four months ago I sat in an unfamiliar room with a person I barely knew and articulated my goals for recovery.

I wish I could say that day - August 12, 2015 - was the beginning of this chapter on recovery. As though recovery has boundaries, can respond to restrictions of space and time. As if it has a natural beginning and end, an ebb and flow concurrent with nature's most weathered cycles.

Recovery has no bounds. It doesn't begin or end the day you decide to pick up the phone and place some exploratory calls to treatment centers. It doesn't begin with intake, with retelling your story (and then continuing to retell it until you are desensitized from it, until it is no longer your own). 

Recovery doesn't end the day you begin exploring the next phase of treatment, the week you realize the life you're living, authentic and real and full of emotion though it is - is still in service of your eating disorder, and that to let your disorder go you too must let that life go, bidding farewell to the pockets of time you meticulously and ritualistically devoted to it.

My recovery began long before the day in August, cold, hungry, and  burdened with emotions and doubt, when I sat down and imagined my life without an eating disorder. The concept was so foreign to me at the time - so entirely abstract - I laughed at its simplicity. 

5 Positive Consequences of Stopping ED Behaviors

  1. Feel sense of mastery - body won' be foreign. Be able to understand body sensations, cues, etc. - to be in touch with what body wants.
  2. Having time to do stuff...see friends, write, read, exercise, be in romantic relationship
  3. Feeling better physically.
  4. Not letting ED thoughts rule.
  5. Be someone that blends in when it comes to food.