At the end of your email you wrote, "I don't know what I want you to say." I don't want you to be afraid that I am going to "say" something or judge you. I don't judge you at all. And when I do judge you, it's because I want you to make decisions that make you happy, and to live the best version of your life. I should remain neutral, but I can't. It's just not who I am.
Knowing that I"m listening can help you remember that you're not alone.
There are very few things I tell you that you must do. You must get a chest X-Ray. Fine. But there are very few things that I think you have to do.
I wanted someone to tell me that it was ok. That I was ok. That it wasn't wrong. It just wasn't working.
But I'm not judging you.