Grief

by MB


Julie,

I left our session this evening feeling confused, betrayed, and overwhelmingly sad. Maybe that was the point. I don't know. I have known for months that our sessions would come to an end this summer, expedited by external factors but also because that's the ultimate goal of treatment, right? To find yourself in a place where it ends.

I was caught off guard. I went into our session truly open to the possibility that I wouldn't want (or need) to see you tomorrow, but by the end I felt pretty strongly that seeing you twice this week would be beneficial to me. I came in feeling like I would have more of a choice than I did - that it was a decision we would make together. I left feeling like the decision was never truly mine to make at all. And as much as I value your opinions, insights, and wisdom 99% of the time, I disagree with your conclusion that seeing me tomorrow would be more detrimental than helpful. 

I don't feel ready to end therapy with you. It's something I've  known inside for awhile but haven't been forced to confront until today - I am so incredibly afraid of what the end looks like and what it means.  In my head we had four sessions. I know that's by no means an eternity (especially as you look at it over the course of one year of treatment) but it was a number I was comfortable with. It was a number I had prepared for.

I know that one extra session won't give me all of the answers - it won't cure me or somehow make this inevitable end any less painful. But I was counting on it anyways. I I know it won't make terminating treatment any easier. But I also don't think it will make it harder. And I know (or at least I hope) I can get a lot out of it.

I sometimes feel like therapy can be a mindfuck in and of itself. I imagine this is a result of intentional design, pushing me to my boundaries to prove not that my boundaries exist, but perhaps to suggest that I've underestimated my capacity to live outside of them.

I know I'm supposed to be feeling all of these things, that challenging me to think about them and write them down was part of your decision. But I also feel like I need the support more than I need proof of my own strength. 

If I wasn't ready to talk (or even think) about ending therapy before, I'm ready to talk about it now. I know I take time to process things to really get the most out of them, and I want to start it sooner rather than later. I want to talk to you honestly about what ending CPC looks like for me, and I really don't want to wait a week. I selfishly want the extra time to process, to examine - in detail - the outlines of the end, so that I can begin to comprehend them. I know the number of days I have left in New York isn't changing, and that adding an extra session could feel like delaying the inevitable. But I also feel very strongly that I could benefit from the extra session more than I could be hurt by it, if only to get comfortable with explicitly talking about  the end of our work together.

I understand and respect whatever your final decision may be, but I did feel like I needed to tell you how I felt.

Molly