Progress and the shame that shackles me

by MB


Things I'm ashamed of

  • I did this to myself 
  • I had an eating disorder for 17 years and this is all I have to show for it
  • I feel like I deserve to be in pain
  • I miss alcohol. I had a half a glass tonight.
  • Knowing that I feel better when I'm high
  • When my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful
  • Admitting I might be dependent on escaping myself

Things my yesterday self would have been ashamed of

  • Talking about my bowel movements
  • Talking about my eating disorder
  • Acknowledging my eating disorder
  • Talking about sex. Graphically. Realistically. Admitting it's a part of a full life
  • Having a boyfriend
  • Talking about my boyfriend
  • Telling him things I couldn't, until recently, even admit to myself
  • Talking about my first period. In detail. At all. 
  • Admitting I had an eating disorder
  • Asking for help
  • Saying no
  • Asking for what I want. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.

Things I'm on the fence about

  • Intimacy (especially when it comes to sex)
  • The person I am becoming
  • Life without an eating disorder
  • Being ok in my body
  • Liking my body
  • Growing into my ever shifting identity