Four years ago

by MB in , , ,

Matthew died 4 years ago today. May 12, 2013. Mother's Day. Beth Israel Hospital - a place that no longer exists but which haunts me nonetheless.

4 years ago my sister was still in high school - 2 weeks from graduating. She was set to attend Colgate, a plan that met its demise one week into our trip to Peru just days after her graduation.

Today, 4 years later, she is just two weeks from graduating from Bowdoin. Sometimes I think about how different her life would have been had she followed in my footsteps.

4 years ago today I was working at AIG. I had hit my stride. I was 3 days away from taking my first solo trip with our CEO - my first business trip on the AIG jet. I was 24. I was on top of the world.

4 years ago today I lived in midtown, 10 blocks away from all of my friends. My parents paid my rent and I spent my salary on Soulcycle and late nights out. We were young.

I wasn't recovered 4 years ago - not even close - but I was in limbo. I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't purging. I wasn't anything. I wasn't fat and I wasn't thin. I just was.

4 years ago I wasn't in therapy - I hadn't been in therapy for two years. I wasn't on Prozac. I had never lost anyone.

4 years ago I split into two. May 12, 2013.